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In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an elderly lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to ensure that all arrangements were in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to finalise proper "final" arrangements.
Her specific instruction to the undertaker/local postal clerk was that her tombstone be engraved with following inscription:
"Born a virgin, Lived as a virgin, Died a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral
as the undertaker/local postal clerk went about to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone which she had selected was too small for the wordings that she had chosen
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. Finally his experience as a postal clerk allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows ...
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. David, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day David revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Honatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Honatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for David to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause David readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Honatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Honatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of David would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned David to their chambers. Honatio then slipped David the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, David worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and David left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, David found Honatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, David couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Honatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned David.
The moral of the story............
PAY YOUR BILLS !